Whose fault is it?

As a parent…
 
We do everything we can to give our children the best upbringing. Food, and shelter is sometimes all the strength we can muster to provide. I know that my parents did the very best they could with what they knew and what they had. Even during times when I felt it wasn’t enough, it may have been all they had emotionally or spiritually to give. While laughs, hugs, warm memories, & safe spaces are ideal, sometimes we fall short. Do you remember being disappointed by Mom? Do you remember Dad not showing up when he said he would? How did that make you feel?
Are you harboring resentment towards your parent(s) for having to heal from something that occurred in your childhood? Now imagine your children internalizing resentment for something you are unaware of. 
 
I constantly have to stop and ask “Is this healthy?” (for both of us) Beating myself up trying to predict who she will be in 20 years, prevents me from being present. It’s unhealthy, and unproductive for me because it exacerbates the anxiety of parenting. It’s IMPOSSIBLE to teach my daughter EVERYTHING she will ever NEED in life. 
 
Moment of #transparency: I struggle with if it’s supposed to be an “or” between #purpose and #partnership. I am truly learning who I am and I love this version of me. At the moment, I don’t know if it’s for me right now.
     1. Because of the path that I am on.
     2. Because I give and I give and I give. Love has been returned to me 100 fold, but not in the form of
         #companionship. And that’s okay. I am loved deeply by so many! <3
 
I strive to show her how to harness the essence of being a woman and transmute it into Self Care. Self Worth. Self Love. However, what we intend to teach our children, may not be the lesson they take away from it, right?
Sometimes I wish I had waited, because the struggle of learning who you are while attempting to raise a child is damn near self-destruction!!! I look around and see what others can offer their children that I can’t. Then sit and wonder if I am leaving anything out. Is what I am teaching her enough to get her thru life?
 
While we will NEVER be able to predict the journey our children will take (which may lead to required healing from some sort of hurt), this does not remove the responsibility we have as parents to ensure their well-being. To stop and re-evaluate the way and environment in which we are raising them. 
 
Look, I fail… & I fail OFTEN. But I continue to teach her what I know, as I learn it. Because I can only meet her where I’m at, as did my parents. 
 
Stop, & take a moment to breathe deeply the next time you feel overwhelmed by parenting. This is all working out for your highest good. 🙏🏾😍😗 Ase`

 

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Are you living a fulfilled life, or just a life that’s filled with…

Recently, I decided to step away from additional responsibilities I had given myself. It was beginning to be too much, and my days were slowly turning into chaotic mush, which ended with me sitting down at 11pm going “where the hell did my day go and what did I forget to accomplish?” *ques anxiety* Now don’t get me wrong, some days are busier than others, but they are productive and fulfilling. It’s what those busy days consist of that I am most concerned with.

Often times in our lives, we mistake our days being FULFILLED, when really they are just FILLED other unnecessary fluff. And no, I don’t mean ‘adulting’ for appointments, parenting, co-parenting, romantic relationships, meetings, jobs. I encourage you to really sit back and ponder on what these offer your energy.

So how do we know when we are living a FULFILLING life? The reality is, it’s different for everyone. What satisfies me, may or will not satisfy you. I, too, have struggled to answer this question. Often mistaking my busy days filled with too many engagements that left me spinning in a whirlwind, crying in the parking lot of my child’s school, thinking my proverbial reward for doing all of these things was waiting for me. Only to wake up empty, exhausted, and apathetic to life.

So answer me this. Are your days filled with fluff? You know, what we write when we need to stretch a paper from 4 pages to the 5.5 requirement? We change ‘isn’t’ to ‘is not’, for that extra word count, lmao. That’s what my days were turning into. Fluff. For a long time, I had this belief that if I wasn’t busy, or moving a thousand miles a minute, then I wasn’t being productive. I succumbed to the “grind”, “hustle hard”, and “go hard or go home” mentality, and it began to control my entire life. And while there is nothing wrong with working hard to get where you desire to be, it is equally as beneficial to stop and re-evaluate everything you have going on.

It’s okay to ask yourself ‘In what capacity is this serving me?’

Wanna know what gives me a sense of fulfillment?

The peaceful stillness of the morning before my house wakes up.

Laughing until I cry.

Unsolicited hugs  and I Love You’s from babygirl I didn’t ask for.

Conversations where I walk away with a better understanding of someone.

Accomplishing a task before the goal date.

Genuinely smiling all day without reason(s).

Hilarious text threads from My Person!

Feeling appreciated.

Being protected without asking.

When a Sista I don’t know gives me a random “yaaaaaaassss I love it” to my hair or outfit on the street.

Now, one may say if these don’t happen then I won’t feel fulfilled, however, some days leave me feeling more satisfied than others. That doesn’t mean the entire day was a sham, lol. I just decided to start engaging in what fulfills me.

Before you scroll thru your timeline at the end of the night, ask yourself, “Did today leave me feeling fulfilled?” If it did, forego comparing your life to the explore page of IG and write down what left you feeling satisfied.

If it didn’t, definitely grab a pen and some paper and jot down 3 things that could have given you a more fulfilling day.

So again, I ask, how do we know when we are living a FULFILLING life?

Are you living a FULFILLING life? Or are your days just full?

A woman with curly hair purses her lips and closes her eyes in the sunshine

Photo by William Stitt on Unsplash

#BlackMentalHealth #CulturalKinks #HealingThruTransparency

 

Dakota – A short story

As Dakota sits on the stool in the darkest corner of her grandmother’s living room mentally reflecting on 100 other things she could be doing. She hated the holidays. Well, not so much the holidays, but the emotions they bring forth. There was always a moment where she would always feel like she was breaking mentally could never figure out why.

“DeeDee, bring ya young ass over here and help peel these potatoes girl”, her aunt yelled, interrupting her thoughts. She didn’t even want to do Thanksgiving this year.

“Nah auntie I’m good over here” Dakota replied.

Why in the sam hell does her aunt still call her DeeDee? She hated that nickname. It wasn’t until she was about 7 years old that she remembers placing her hand on her hip, & informing her mother she only wanted to be called Dakota.

“Ok babygirl”, chuckled her mom, “we will stop calling you DeeDee”. There was never a problem until her Aunt Rudy was in town. The lady was uncouth, but everyone just let her be. Dakota felt her body temperature rise, which means she was about to be in a nasty mood out of nowhere. Surely her aunt calling her by a name she no longer liked isn’t a trigger, is it?

She recently had started reading about moods, attitudes, triggers, & energy after someone suggested she take yoga. Dakota always seemed to be “over emotional & sensitive” according to her homegirl. She just thought she was more in tune with the her atmosphere and environment than others. Why was she being judged for that? There is more than enough bullshit in the world to care about than how often she taps into her emotions.

“Who the fuck do people think they are? Why does it seem like the universe is always against me? When will my chest stop feeling heavy? Why is everyone so damn happy today?”, Dakota whispered aloud to herself.

She knew what was next. It always happened when she began questioning her existence and purpose. Her body began to feel hot, and her face felt flushed as her head immediately began to throb. Dakota’s breathing became erratic, and her vision began to blur. She stood up as quickly as she could to run to the bathroom but heard someone say Uncle Arty was inside. His bathroom visits were never short, so Dakota had to quickly find somewhere else she could go. It felt like the hallway had gotten darker, her chest got tighter, and she struggled to breathe as her eyes welled up with tears.

She heard a creak and turned around. Her Grandma’s old ass dog, Duke, had just gone out the back door leading to the porch. Dakota raced to the screen door thanking baby Buddha for the escape. As she reached the porch, she didn’t stop to see or speak to any family members sitting out there. She just slow jogged thru the backyard along the trail until she felt she was out of sight. At that moment she was so gratedul for how much land her Grandparents had.

Dakota stopped, and instead of taking in her natural surroundings, continued to breathe heavy. She had given up on even attempting to wipe the tears which were rapidly falling from swollen red eyes and slumped to the ground amidst the orange and red leaves. As soon as her knees hit the ground, Dakota’s body began to heave from crying so hard. Why was she even crying? What caused this emotional outburst? Why was it so hard for her to control herself? How can she save herself?

#SaveYourself #CulturalKinks

Process & Proceed

Process & Proceed

It’s what I have to tell myself when I catch hold of some energy that feels off but I choose not to acknowledge or express how I feel in fear of being “extra or too much”. 😔 Feelings of anger, frustration, jealousy, melancholic, anxious even are very real .😮😔😣

Suppressed emotions (bottled up) can bring about mental fatigue, frustration, misplaced anger, nightmares, apathy, even lead to depression and anxiety. We know anxiety is being in a heightened state of constant fear and is physically fucking exhausting. 😴

This shit can manifest itself into migraines, ulcers, body aches, insomnia, paranoia (constantly waiting for shit to go wrong), and a plethora of other issues. 🤕🤒😷🤢

So…yeah…I allow myself to process what it is I am feeling, explore WHY I feel this way, center myself, & proceed when I am ready. Being resilient won’t mean shit if the way I am bouncing back is unhealthy.

How do you process? 👀

#BlackMentalHealth #CulturalKinks

Self-Sabotage

Let’s discuss self-sabotage…

So…I’ve been playing it small and comfortable because of a fear of being society’s idea of successful so I avoid opportunities. Impacting people on a big scale can be…scary. What if I’m wrong? But what if I’m right? I absorb so much of people, and the idea can seem slightly overwhelming. I struggle with remaining genuine and authentic in an attempt to reach the masses. I never want my messages to feel forced.

As much as I want to do more, I do limit myself. Self-sabotage is a MOTHAFUCKA! I can say all day “I AM”, but when your human challenge is psychological, it becomes a bit harder than “we got the same 24 hours” (so save the ‘you can do its’ & listen). When you spend half your time throwing spiritual/emotional right hooks, & the other half trying to ground yourself, it can make you physically exhausted.

I am in a space of healing, researching, more healing, and understanding my spiritual purpose. Thanking the Most High for clarity for Cultural Kinks, focus, discipline, and courage.

In what ways have you contributed to self-sabotage? In what ways have you overcome it?

#BlackMentalHealth #CulturalKinks

Not A Character Trait…

It’s easy to get off track, and even lose a bit of ourselves. But the real damage is when we begin to look at depression as if it describes who we are. Instead of seeing ourselves as “worthy”, “loving”, “humorous”, and “authentic”, we see depression as a character trait.
Those with other types of dis-ease do not describe themselves as “diabetic” or “anemic”, when asked who they are as a person.
Depression is what you fight, not who you are.

Ping Pong Energy

My energy can fade quicker than the popularity of a chick dressed in an Instagram boutique dress. I have learned to maximize when it is in abundance, and to sit the hell down when it isn’t. Now, I am not going to sit here and flex like I’ve always been a balanced individual. I haven’t always been ‘aware’ or ‘in tune’ with my star player. That took some time, reading, and learning, and UN-learning on my own.

When people say ‘I’m just not feeling it today’, I have learned to heed their words. Respect how they feel and what they are sharing. I have also learned when to say it, and distance myself. Ever hear someone say “oh not today. I don’t have the energy”. Take heed to their words.

It has already been proven that energy is neither created nor destroyed. It is simply transferred, right?

So what happens with those who have mental health challenges? Our energy is affected more than the average because when you are vibin’ low, and you are more susceptible to the bullshit around you.
If I say, nah I don’t have the energy for that, don’t roll your eyes and count me out. Shut up and hear what I’m saying.

“I don’t have enough mental strength to deal with whatever it is you are asking me to do, or go where you want to go.”

Now, before I realized I had a few more quirks than the next person, I would go anyway. Then I would wonder why my mood was so shitty. I didn’t want to be there. But because I am the type to support and sacrifice self for others, I did. It took me years to understand if I’m not feelin’ it, don’t agree to it and stay my ass home.

See, energy has a pace, a vibrational soundwave. Mine happens to flow like a ping pong ball when I begin to vibe out of control. Before a meltdown, it is literally a physical vibrating feeling in my body. But fortunately, I know my triggers, and I know what is required internally. That also took TIME, trial and error.

Another challenge I have is vibin’ high when those around me aren’t. It can be incredibly easy to succumb to others’ low vibrations. I am learning how to be there for someone who needs me without it affecting my spirit. When I feel as though I could be swept into their wave of misery, I back-back 50 feet.

This is important because the same way I run and take shelter when someone’s negative energy is trying to seep its way into my space, is the same way I stay to myself when my vibes are low because of my strong projection. You have the power to affect someone’s mood, so remain cognizant of when you are not at your best. I have learned how to stay in my corner when these feelings set in.

Do you project strongly? Or are you easily affected by someone else, albeit positive or negative? Do you confuse spewing repugnant words with venting? Are you filled with effervescence and able to change the mood of someone else rather quickly? Not everyone is capable of doing so, but some are unaware of their energetic power.

Understanding how your spirit rocks is pertinent to your emotional, spiritual, and mental survival.

It takes TIME to learn this about yourself. And it takes being STILL.

Time. Still. Peace.

 

Photo by Oladimeji Odunsi on Unsplash

For The Single Black Mother Who Has Thought Of Taking Her Life…

For the Single Black Mother who has thought of taking her life…but won’t.

She struggles with her mental healthcare often suppressing her symptoms…leaving her issues untreated out of fear that no one would be there to take care of her children. Or worst, that her children would be taken from her.

She has to be independent, but not proud. Be Supermom, but not brag. She has to be assertive, but not too aggressive. She has to be submissive, but not a pushover. She has to be delicate, and feminine, but not display weakness. She has to be passionate, but not “too much” or “extra”. She has to be authentic and transparent, but not project any insecurities on her babies. She has to process her emotions, but keep the planets in rotation at the same damn time.

Her psychological decline is preventable, but stigmatized. So the constant fear that her children’s lives would be disrupted because of her temporary emotional instability keeps her from healing. In an effort to continue caring for and being the sole provider, she sacrifices her life for her theirs. They tell her to Rest Her Soul. But they have no idea that to her it means forever. 

To the Single Black Mother who has thought of taking her life, but can’t.

Mama, I SEE you. I KNOW you. I LOVE you.

#BlackMentalHealth#CulturalKinks

 

Photo by Eye for Ebony on Unsplash